CALIFORNIA – Coral here, far from a horticulturalist but I can tell you these two things right off the bat: I’ve been smoking pot for about 15 years, and I’ve officially kept a couple houseplants alive for the past 12 months, so the combination of those two facts has prepared me for what I’m about to share with you, the five best houseplants for stoners. Most are easy to find at local nurseries and plant shops, but if you’re like us you might be home for the next couple of weeks, and online ordering is possible for quite a few of the plants I’ll list. I’ll also include three to avoid if you want to keep your home jungle a no-fuss situation, so you have more time to get stoned.
The term stoner might not ring true to you or it could be your second name, here’s how I might define it for use in this blog post: a cannabis consumer with more priorities than their houseplants. Maybe you’re a medical patient with bigger things on your mind than a fussy delicate plant, or maybe you’re an artist who uses cannabis for creativity and you could miss a watering here or there when you’re on a creative bend. You could be a workaholic stoner who isn’t home often enough for twice a day mistings, or just the forgetful stoner who remembers their plant once a month and hopes it hasn’t died. These recommendations, in no particular order, are for all of you, you stoners.
The plant that just wont quit growing and reaching; it’s been nicknamed the devil’s ivy, which is perfect for those that just can’t quit the devil’s lettuce. The long vines and fast growing leaves make them a perfect plant for an instant green aesthetic in any home, and they tolerate a wide range of lighting conditions. There are a handful of varieties of pothos, most noticeable by the different shades of green or splattering of white across the leaves. They’re super easy to care for: the soil is mostly dry, water them, and then let them dry out for another week or more. Watch for drooping leaves, check that the top layer of soil is dry, then give them enough water to run out the drainage holes of the pot. PS always pick a pot with drainage, and that’s for all the plants on this list not just the pothos!
2. STRINGS OF
Super trendy, the “string of” plants are all over the Internet with their dangling dolphins, hearts, pearls, and even teeny tiny banana shapes. The best news is that these plants are deceivingly easy to care for! They are a bit delicate to handle when the vines get long though, so put them somewhere they can hang them totally undisturbed, and then avoid watering until they are completely dry. Some people say to mist occasionally no more than once a week, but it’s most important to not overwater. Go live your life, hit the bong, and when you do notice the pearls, dolphins, bananas, or hearts starting to show a slight bit of puckering, then it’s time to water! Keep your “string of” plants in a smaller than usual pot for their plant size, they don’t have very big or deep roots and will appreciate growing into the smaller space rather than struggle in a pot that’s too big.
3. SNAKE PLANTS
Snake plants are as low maintenance as it gets, they ok with pretty low amounts of sunlight, and they clean the air in their space super efficiently, the perfect triple combo for a stoner’s smokey room! Their leaves come in a range of shades, I love the bright edges of the variegated snake plant as well as the darker tones of the black coral, there is a snake plant for any room’s color palette. They bring a lot of plant presence to a room with very little responsibility. You can “forget” to water these plants for weeks, maybe months, and they like their pots packed tight so you don’t have to worry much about repotting them often, if ever at all. If you only get one plant from this list, make it a snake plant!
4. LIPSTICK PLANTS
My sprawling love, the lipstick plant! They’re the least common plant on this list, but not hard to find, just a little more unusual. Any variety of the lipstick plant will spread out quickly and provide a lot of impact in a room, but I had to have our black pagoda lipstick the first time I saw those thick lush green leaves and dark purple undersides. Bonus stoner points if you decide to go for the “rasta” lipstick variety, with folded and curled leaves it’s definitely a conversation starter! This plant will want the most water of the 5 on this list, once a week or so will be plenty, so just keep an eye on the top soil and make sure it doesn’t get too dry too often. If you have a spray bottle around, fill it with some drinking water and give your lipstick plant a spritz when you remember. This plant really isn’t too fussy and will continue to shoot out new growth rapidly, so take some cuttings and gift them to your smoke circle friends!
5. ZZ PLANTS
The ZZ plant is having its moment right now, becoming trendy for good reasons, it’s a nearly can’t fail plant with air purifying benefits! Like the snake plant, it doesn’t want to be watered often, you’ll want to let this tall leafy beauty dry completely out before watering again. Completely completely. Do not overwater these plants! The especially thick stalks retain water for weeks at a time, it’s a real set it and forget it type plant. During the growth phases it’ll grow fast, reaching inches taller and taller in just a couple weeks, and then the stalks will open and the leaves will expand out. If you like the ZZ plant but want a truly unusual addition to your home, go for the raven variety. It’s mature leaves and stalks are nearly black, while new growth is still bright green! I’m still searching for my ZZ raven, but we all need goals right?
Plants to avoid: Full disclosure, I have all of the plants I’m about to tell you to avoid. My reasoning for listing them here is that I’ve learned a few things caring for them, and I can save you the fuss. Or, if you want the challenge, pick up one of these three, light up something good, and get reading on how to pamper your picky new plant. Onto these three divas…
Ferns need water. A lot of it. Many of them want consistently moist soil and humid air, which can be hard to maintain in the average home. I tend to spritz my ferns daily with filtered water, and water twice a week, but everyday we manage to keep them alive at home is a day I’m thankful for. Save yourself the trouble.
It was my husband that had to have the crotons. The plants look like they’re on fire, I can understand the appeal, but they come with complications we both learned. They need bright light to develop those fiery colors, so be ready to clear a windowsill or make room on a shelf close by. They’ll drop leaves quickly when unhappy, and those leaves are TOXIC, so if you have pets this plant has to be somewhere safe and secure, but still sunny. A fiery colorful hassle.
3. FIDDLE LEAF FIG TREE
They’re so majestic, and popular, but fickle. They want bright light, but not too direct, they like a misting but don’t want to be kept moist, it’s a constant tug of war with keeping a fiddle leaf fig tree happy. I don’t think we get it quite right because ours has yet to give us a new leaf, their inclusion on this list could be personal bitterness, or you could take it as a warning, the choice is yours.
I hope your home jungle becomes a very lush serene space for you, or at the very least you are a little less afraid of becoming a plant parent. If you’d like to see more of my houseplants add my plantstagram, all plants all the time!